“Noah”

If you go to this movie expecting to be spiritually uplifted and closer to God you want to skip this one.   Although it is  well acted with a talented with amazing cinematography and special effects it is  thwarted by a soap opera-like drama based purely on historical fiction . Note that in the above video are the best parts of the movie and starting at 2:24 on the video starts the disclaimer about “artistic license” but they believe the true film is true to the “essence, values and integrity of a story that is cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide”. The best part of it is at the end it does refer you back to Genesis in the Bible ***Spoiler Alert*** Where the movie lost me entirely was at the point it introduces the “Rock Angels” that help build the ark and protect Noah and his family just before the flood.    Rock Angels.   I am not talking about some Bernini white marble sculptured cherub looking creatures, we are talking more like the rock monster on the first “Never Ending Story” (although Marv thought they looked more like the rock monsters on “Galaxy Quest” and the original “Star Trek”).    They are allegedly angels that went against God and came to Earth to help Adam and Eve so as their punishment God cast them in Lava to remain on Earth. Now I only briefly had exposure to the Old Testament when I was a kid as Sunday school, but is sure as heck didn’t remember hearing about any “Rock Angels” in the Bible helping to build the Ark. Also don’t recall Noah’s having a nemesis that stows away on the Ark. Another was them leaving Grandpa Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins) alone in the cave and not inviting him aboard the Ark as they were already riding the fiction train.  Marv, who was grew up a devout Lutheran, confirmed that although they were related, there isn’t anything in the Bible that Methuselah and Noah ever met.

Another is using some burning herb to put the animals into a slumber.  Where’s the fun in that?  There could have been a lot of drama having to deal with all of those animals being awake.

Another distraction was Emma Watson cast as his oldest son’s girlfriend/wife.   The whole time I kept thinking it was odd to see Hermoine dressing and schleping around like an Olson twin…I thought more could have been done to make her less look like her character on the “Harry Potter” movies, like put a big old honkin’ nose like they did no Nicole Kidman for “The Hours”. But none of those are not even the worst parts; the worst part is having Noah decide he would kill Hermonie, erh, uh, Emma Watson’s character’s baby would kill it upon birth  if it was a girl when it was born as he decided that mankind should end with his family once they died off.  Even more outlandish, it turns out to be twin girls. I think part of writer/director Darren Aronofsky master plan to cash in on the controversy about the film as controversy = free press and some people will go just to see what the controversy is all about and it seems to have worked.   While I am sure he is counting that as a success, I think if he had taken a page from Mel Gibson and kept it Biblically more historically accurate he would have had a bigger blockbuster.

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